[ have i not made it clear? contends with her tongue. in the end, the tease never emerges victorious; the moment is too thick with vulnerability to dare undercut its importance, much as their banter has lightened the load of tenser moments. relying upon it strikes her as the cowardly path, somehow — a manner of disappointing him, leaving him fumbling in the dark, when he's looking to her as a guiding light.
that, in itself, is a wonder: astarion with none of his usual dastardly swagger, like some confident lothario plucked from the sordid pages of a romance novel. it's another pretense dropped, though it forces her to call into question how much of himself has been tailored to suit an ideal, a wet dream of someone else's creation. it's the spark that ignites her forward to reclaim his mouth with renewed vigor, until there's no mistaking that honest hunger. until her mouth is freely greedy where it scatters to his chin, his ear, a light trace of teeth and tongue marking her path. ]
That's an easy enough answer to give, [ comes her rasp, buried in his jaw's underside. ] You.
[ nothing more, and nothing less, than what he'll give of himself. it is not, she suspects, the clarification he had been seeking — but it's the most genuine treasure she could offer, the most valuable demonstration of what she wants. when she melts back into the grass, it's with labored rise and fall of her chest and a kiss-swollen flush to her lips. hardly a vision of self-discipline, never mind composure.
and perhaps that's — okay. to undo some shred of restraint, for this once. it makes it easier to smile up at him through her breathlessness, through the stormy darkening of her gaze; makes it easier to search herself. show, not tell, he'd asked, but — ]
I want to feel good, with you. [ quieter, ] I want you to touch me as though there's nothing you could crave more.
[ it's what anyone would want, she thinks, that intoxicating proof of being unmistakeably wanted. she gathers up his hand, presses the pad of each finger to her lips with careful consideration. less sweet is the kittenish flick of her tongue as she draws his index finger past the pout of her mouth, just barely so; it makes her body burn, a little ember settling low in her stomach, to hook her gaze onto his — to watch him watch her in return. it's undoubtedly turning the tables, in her own need to hear it, and yet, ]
But I'm not the only one with wants. [ lowly encouraging, she presses, ] What happens in your dreams, when you think of me?
[ They're words he's heard before β sometimes with the same words prompting them, though certainly never in the same tone, a realization that catches and passes quickly enough β but never in this context. Never from the context of a real relationship, anything lasting longer than a single night. She says you, and he feels an ache in the trellis of his ribcage, something he'd laugh off under any other circumstances but, here, prompts a soft sigh, an admission of that confession's effect. (And has he ever received the question in return?)
For just a fraction of a second, as she settles back against the grass, there's an almost dangerously unguarded look on his face β his eyes wide, searching, unmoored. That expression changes in the next second, colored by endearment and desire as he looks at her, takes in the way want unspools the careful self-control that seems to come so naturally to her otherwise. He likes that β it only makes him want to tug on that thread, to see her come totally undone. A part of the give and take, he supposes, that they should drop all of the pretenses they'd held up to each other, the act of pretending they're something else (something stronger, less vulnerable) easier to drop given all they've discovered about themselves since first falling from that nautiloid.
What he'd imagined, when they'd still been in their respective tents, hadn't even come close to how perfect she looks to him now. His lips curl in a smile as her tongue finds the pad of his finger, his gaze flickering, darkening. ]
When I dream of you, [ he begins, his voice just a murmur as he leans down to press a kiss to her forehead, ] my dreams begin with your hand in mine. [ A kiss upon her cheek. ] With you, already in my arms. [ Then upon the other.
There's that ache, again. There are things he could say β has said β that he thinks would better fit the bill of what such a question generally begs as an answer, butβ ]
There's nothing that can touch me, but you. Nothing that I want to touch me, but you.
[ His other knee nudges hers apart β an invitation offered and accepted, his hips settling against the rise of hers. ]
In fact, I'd say my dreams play outβ quite like this. But what I can dream upβ [ his hand travels down her side, tracing the dip of her waist ] βcan hardly compare to the real you.
[ no one within the realm of sanity would, by any means, call her precious. invaluable, perhaps, as an asset and ally — but not as gems are, needing the utmost care, prone to fracturing under harsh treatment. it wrings the breath from her lungs, then, that he should be so deliberately delicate, painstakingly gentle with her in ways the world has failed to be. she aches all the more for it, emotion's fist seizing around the pulp of her heart to squeeze, until her exhale seems to quietly shake past her parted mouth.
it's more affecting than it has any right to be. more deeply moving than the rough treatment her brethren have been known for, the cursory manhandling she would come to expect. her eyelids flutter with it, anticipation thick on her tongue, eyelashes skirting her cheek like a butterfly's kiss. (it almost makes it worse, to let her vision close for a moment; to have no distraction from the tenderness in his touch, the reactiveness of her own nerve-endings. scarcely touched, and yet well on her way to being overwrought.) ]
Quite the salacious dreams you've had. [ teasing warmth saturates it, makes no secret of her fondness. more hearfelt, ] You make them sound beautiful.
[ he makes her sound beautiful. no one within the realm of sanity would have thought his head to be filled with soft, fanciful notions, but if one pays attention, she can see hints of whimsy in his love affair with the sun, a tender sentimentality buried under layers. it's a secret she doesn't mind selfishly keeping — this little part of him reserved for her. (preserved even in death, she wonders, or a need cazador hadn't realized he'd created through starving his spawn of human gentleness? protectiveness roils and surges inside her, at the thought.)
her hands slide down toward his hands, along the trunk of his forearms, fingertips tracing branching veins. up further, pushing back his sleeves. a slow and gradual disrobing, in her craving for his skin against hers, wherever she can have it. ]
I'm not convinced I didn't dream this moment into being. [ a whisper, something half-burned out of her. the culprit: the notch of his hips against hers, the spellbound shift of her own in reply — sinuous, trance-like, a serpent called by a song. she holds more tightly to his bicep, grounding herself through the audible hitch in her breath, the noise that lodges itself in her throat. what breaks free, inevitably, is a seeking, wispy, ] Astarion.
[ she doesn't have much need for prayers, these days. his name sighs out of her lungs as an invocation, all the same, like an appeal one finds themselves making in the midst of a desperate night. ]
[ No one would call her precious, and no one would call him a romantic β even aside from the pretenses he puts on, his taste for mischief makes it difficult to see him as anything but a cynic, a proponent of chaos. It's a trait that fits in with his petty side, with the ease with which he dismisses that which he thinks is trivial or not worthwhile, with how easily he takes offense. And it all seems to sit at odds with the idea of a soft center, of any sweet aspect to his personality. But the fact is that he's always had it β always had a weakness for heroism, for an ideal of goodness that couldn't possibly actually exist. It had nearly been beaten out of him, butβ it's still there.
What makes him willing to share even of a sliver of it with her is the fact that he knows his Casanova act hadn't appealed to her (if anything, it had actually made her openly antagonistic when they'd first met). What she wants from him isn't a fantasy. (What she sees in him is greater, deeper, more significant than what any sketched-out portrait could capture. And he finds that he wants her to see him.)
He wonders if it surprises her, that the dreams he'd choose to describe to her are so chaste. But it's the truth β boiled down to his very essence, what he longs for is tenderness, for care. For so many years, he'd been starved of it, resigned to the fact that he'd never be anything but alone for the rest of his immortal days. He'd still mostly believed it, even after the tadpole (who in their right mind would want to associate with a vampire, after all), but then sheβ ]
A shared dream, perhaps? [ he wonders aloud, fingertips traveling over the stitching of the leather she wears. ] But, no β a dream could hardly be so sweet.
[ Even in dreams, he wouldn't be so assured as to imagine that she would choose to bestow any kindness upon him, especially not with how hard-won it's been. It's kindness, he thinks, that ought only to be spared for herself, for someone more deserving of it. But here, in their waking hours, it's hardly as though that's enough for him to refuse or rebuff her, not when he's so hungry forβ well, for her. For the way she speaks his name, for the warmth of her touch, for the way she wants him.
It's easy to feel a little drunk on that, even without a drop of her blood passing his lips β as though seeking, his mouth passes over her pulse once more, but only as a stop along the way as his lips find her clavicle, the rise of her chest, following the line of skin left bare by her clothing. It's the boldest he's been, apart from their remote dalliance β itself a sign of comfort, of trust. ]
stares into the sky ... i forgot to hit post comment on this for like three days
[ her lips curl around a breathless laugh, a scratchy exhale. it's a funny thing, she thinks distantly — how his attention seems inherently drawn, as if compelled, to the warmest parts of her. the most alive pieces of her, one could say, from the fluttering pulse in her neck, all the way down to the breath in her lungs, the rush of blood to her heartbeat as he descends.
she hasn't given much thought to all he must yearn for, by the curse of his very nature — not, at least, in any grave detail. but she thinks she understands it, now. how easy it is to miss the simplistic, easy things that make them all so very ... human. reaching out for a hand, and finding it reaching back. sunlight, after confinement in the shadows. the distant call of birds overheard. there's a dreamlike quality to it all, to be certain, enchanting — but he isn't wrong to say it. none of her dreams have lended themselves to sweetness, and those that had ...
those that had were wiped away to make room for a clean slate, in her mind, as though working with new materials might cause her to be rebuilt better. it makes her eager to seize what's available to her in reality, for one. for another, it makes her — mortifyingly sensitive to the generosity, much to her pride's chagrin. desensitization to a rougher touch, and starvation for a softer one, combine for one unfortunate bout of squirming. so much, she thinks, for claims of self-taught discipline when her entire spine seems to snap taut like a bow; when her lungs are expelling a ticklish sound, quick to devolve into a stuttered gasp.
every imprint of his mouth is a searing thing, for all that it starts cold, gradually becomes warmer as her flushed skin transfers heat. a little trail of red follows his path, as if her body itself has taken to remembering it, blushed with arousal. her legs snap around his hips, coiling, as easily as her hands tightly snag in his hair, in some desperate reflex to keep him near. (slowly, she tries to loosen them, to repay his tenderness; her fingers stroke through the curls afterward, in apology.) ]
Be mindful, [ she starts, a murmur syrupy and thick with want. ] if you're going to use teeth.
[ a fond joke, of course. no — only a half-joke, she thinks. there's something to be said for how easily he could tear into her heart from this vulnerable position, a danger that only serves to highlight how painstakingly caring he's being with her, something to be said for being doted upon by a creature capable of great violence if he chose it. just as there's something to be said for how comfortable she is, to issue the invitation to begin with. ]
[ Be mindful, rather than don't. He's almost taken aback, despite the fact that they're here, like this, tangled in each others' arms. The aftereffects, he supposes, of having spent so long actively trying to hide what he is β it'd been a shock, even, that he'd been allowed to stay in camp after the truth about his nature had come to light. To have her allow it, embrace it β it's a gift.
The significance of tenderness runs both ways, after all β just as easily as he could tear her throat out if he so wished, so too could she turn him into ash with a single incantation. (It's a little ironic, he thinks, that she's arguably the one in their camp who would have the easiest time of dispatching him, emotional attachment aside.) And, with all they know of their respective pasts, the choice not to defer to what they've found easiest throughout the long years is a significant one.
It makes the arch of her spine all the more enticing; as intoxicating as the sound of her breath had been that night, it's even more so now, given more freely, coupled with the feeling of her frame against his, the lovely blush of her skin, the way her fingers curl in his hair β neediness, but more importantly, neediness that's reciprocated. He feels drunk on it β yet another surprise, something he hasn't felt since he was living. There's a hint of that sensation in his gaze as he looks up to meet hers, a smile pulling his lips back over his teeth, a half-joke in the same vein as her own. ]
Woe betide the poor soul who'd dare leave even the faintest scratch upon your skin, [ he murmurs, as one of his hands finds the dip of her waist, the band of her breeches. The other draws a path along the inside of her thigh, a hint as to his intentions as he eases his frame further down her own, all slow enough to ensure he's not rushing things. Even now, he seeks permission, despite the invitation issued, as though each movement required its own affirmation.
She can handle herself perfectly well, he knows, but that isn't the point of such a comment β it's an offer, a contract, an acknowledgment of care expressed in a way that comes easily to him, namely, the threat of violence against anyone who'd hurt her, or even simply inconvenience her. ]
[ rather late for that, she thinks. her body is already a topography of scar tissue, mapping the merciless nature of her upbringing, and yet — she can't recount the origins behind a single line. not the divot that marks her elbow, or the silvery streaks where blades must have surely glanced off, left to invent and imagine their stories. a training session turned too relentlessly punishing, a mission with more twists than she'd planned for — the likeliest culprits, perhaps, but strangely ... forgettable. disconnected from the rest of her, as though it had been earned in another life.
it's a strange, morbid thing to cherish the scrapes and cuts they've gathered along the way — fresh ownership over the landscape of her skin, and the knowledge she's chosen what to endure, of her own volition. of carrying what has mattered to her. when the inevitable comes — when they all disperse, traveling down forked paths in the road, should they even survive the journey — at least she'll be able to press her fingers to skin and remember.
he'd likely think her inflicted with new madness, were she to insist there's no one else she would rather have marked on her. she settles, instead, for this: an endeared, impish curl to her mouth, as a prelude to her nails leisurely raking along his scalp. a silent reward for the devotion coloring that promise of bloodshed, perhaps, if not encouragement. ]
No need to seduce me with pretty promises, [ she sighs out, a rasp that floats from her like smoky wisps from a bonfire. ] You already have me.
[ some girls prefer the romance of flowers. some girls prefer the darker touch of protective threats casting a shadow of death over their enemies. shadowheart, as it turns out, finds both equally enthralling. (a woman of multitudes, she is.) it likely shouldn't settle low in her stomach like molten gold, on that note, but — but. she understands the creatures they are, understands the significance of devotion given willingly, when they have each had to suffer the ailment of fealty being compelled by another's hand.
it hardly helps that he looks as she feels, utterly — gone. hopelessly addicted. it's more flattering than any compliment he could bestow; more powerful than any ill-gotten illithid gains. emboldened, her fingers reach for the hem of her shirt, only minutely distracted by the muscle he sends twitching in her corded thighs — and wriggles her spine to peel it overhead. a comfortable and confident sort of nudity, now that's grown more certain she hasn't misread him.
as if pulled by a string, her fingers return to his nape, kneading fingertips against the back of his neck. reassurance every step of the way, as her legs splay to accommodate his travels, though not quite so great an affirmation as her quiet albeit steady: ]
[ Mere weeks, months ago, Astarion's idea of a future had been nothing but a blank slate β not for the fact that the possibilities seemed endless, but that escape from the prison he'd found himself in after his death had seemed so impossible. All he could do was to hope for Cazador's demise, and even that, hope, had started to seem like a poison. And as much as he'd like to think of himself as a better man β especially now, in the company of those who would keep him from succumbing to a kind of hunger that he previously would have thought only natural.
Even when he'd first been infected by the tadpole, the picture of freedom he'd had in his head hadn't involved anyone else β not for lack of want, but for years upon years of learning to close his heart to the possibility lest it lead to further pain. Now, it isn't as if he's completely changed β the best things that his companions manage to draw out of him have their roots in the kind of wishful thinking he'd allowed himself as a child, a weakness for romance and daring heroes β butβ
βbut it doesn't escape him that the chances of this outcome are so astronomically slim. If they hadn't been infected, if they hadn't run into each other on the beach, if, if, if. He finds himself unwilling, suddenly, to contemplate what will come when the Elder Brain is defeated (if they can manage such a thing), to wonder whether or not the bond they've sketched out between themselves is but a temporary thing.
He's allowed to be greedy, he thinks. What else can he call his? His own choice, his own volition, repaid by the trust she places in him. (A gift to be held close, to be treasured.)
His gaze flickers up as she peels off her shirt, a not-insignificant distraction (and temptation) as he gently pulls down her breeches, easing the fabric over the curve of her hips. All he can offer is a sigh at the sight of her bare skin β the scars that mark it β as he lowers his head, pressing a soft kiss to the tender flesh of her thigh. His hands anchor at her waist as his tongue draws a slow trail to the part of her legs.
It's still thrilling to feel genuine want, to feel a shiver run through his body, to feel every nerve ending respond to even the slightest sensation. That first taste of her draws a low hum from his throat, equal parts pleasure and anticipation. It's strange to feel this way about intimacy again (if he'd ever, he can't quite recall) β eager to learn what makes her tick rather than simply having to do so for the sake of passing a night. ]
[ it's inevitable that the first graze of his tongue should be fire to gunpowder, an ignition that prompts a cataclysmic reaction, after she's starved her body of affection for so long. of their own accord, her thighs snap tighter like the steel mouth of a metal trap; her fingers coil and pull so tightly it should sting his scalp. and the whine that wrings itself from her throat — it makes her fondness for privacy weep, internally, for how high and thin it pitches, in an otherwise quiet forest. all of her nerve-endings feel at turmoil, all of her muscles wound to a tight point, and yet ...
she finds this — this closeness, this new inability to hide parts of herself away — to be the missing element from their last little act of intimacy. clothed tent walls had still kept them shrouded, still kept her safely disconnected, still kept her lonely and yearning for something beyond her reach. she finds it, now, as her fingers scramble across her skin — leaving thin, temporary white lines in her nail's wake — to cling to his.
smoothly, her fingers lock through his with ease, providing an anchoring point amidst stolen breath and surprising sensation. she squeezes once, twice; some delirious, shy smile graces her mouth as her cheek plants into the grass, parting around a mesmerized, reeling (and very eloquent, very succinct), ]
Fuck.
[ karlach's lexicon might have its merits, in hindsight. all other words fail to accurately describe the forcible way she has to shakily pry her legs from mashing his ears against his skull, or the seeking hitches in her hips toward his sinful mouth. it takes effort to fall back on old habits to pin them back to the ground, to try not to squirm so pitifully, to keep still for his sake — a task immediately failed, for all of her talk of self-discipline.
(perhaps, then, that the accomplishment is not overtaking him to see to her own needs; to learn to allow another to take care of her, tempted as she is by her natural urge for control, for self-reliance. some habits still need to be unlearned. the muscles in her abdomen flex, clench, with the effort of holding back.)
she presses the tips of her fingers to her mouth, watching him through heavy eyelids. a thousand words of praise bloom, the pleasure he's gifted her only fueling her need to provide it in turn, only — they're all inadequate. two centuries have likely reassured him already that he's unfairly good at this, and his own preening ego knows he is — as she's noticed, with a pang in her chest — unbearably pretty, the way marble statues are.
all truthful words, yes, but ones that her fumbling for something better. something he isn't so certain in. and so: ]
Perfect, [ she exhales, a pleasure-drunk, wonderstruck whisper. ] You take such good care of me.
[ The conundrum, he thinks, is that there is only one of him β that he cannot kiss every part of her at once, that he cannot properly watch her reactions to his ministrations without also being the one to prompt them. It's a sort of greed; a desire to devour her every movement, every breath, to hoard away a perfect memory. To wit, when her legs close around him and his fingers curl into a fist in his hair, his reaction is a huff of breath, half-laugh and half-groan. It's an inconvenience β even a pain β that he welcomes, what with the sensation intertwined as it is with her expression of pleasure.
The squeeze of her hand is met with his own, equal parts a response and an anchoring as the lick of his tongue becomes more insistent, seeking her taste, the soft bud of sensitive nerves that sets off each new buck of her hips. When his eyes meet hers again, the look contained within is wanton β hungry, in a way he'd thought himself incapable of β drinking in the blush of her features, the heaviness of her own gaze. His own need feels somehow trivial in comparison; what he wants is to see her come undone, to fully tear apart her sense of self-control for the sake of succumbing to desire, to him.
So, for once, there's no clever retort to the whisper that passes her lips, just a flutter of his lashes in response. It undoes him piece by piece β the way she looks at him, his hunger matched; the timbre of her voice like honey in his ears; and, of course, the simple fact of what she chooses to say. She knows, already, of his weakness for praise β a kind of neediness built out of insecurity, buried deep, and the desire to be wanted, adored β but there's a simple distinction between what he's heard over and over again (what he already knows, what he's used as a weapon) and what's meaningful, what's more about what they choose to do for each other.
It sets afire the ache already present in the pit of his stomach, nervous trills of arousal running through his frame as his own hips square against the grass, a buzzing in his head that's as much to do with what he wants to say: I want you to come, or more to the point, I want you to come for me. And all of that can be expressed just as well through gesture, through action, through his maintained focus on her. You take such good care of me, she says β a sentiment worth proving true, to the last moment.
By contrast, for him, it's near impossible to fall back into old habits. There's no sense of absence for him, here, nothing about this that is perfunctory or put on. In the moment, he only vaguely recognizes that, instead caught up in the thrill of mutual want. That's the thing, isn't it: she makes him feelβ alive. ]
[ her first, irrational thought is that it's simply — unfair, how easily he pinpoints a weakness, exploits it with merciless precision, lends her no warning before he's licking her raw. she'd laugh, at any other time, at how utterly astarion it is to take note of a vulnerability and toy with it (and how utterly unlike her it is to reveal a soft spot, to start). as it stands, her fingers can only wring tighter around his own, white-knuckling her grip until they blanch from pressure.
it's a funny thing, trusting that someone might put her back together after she's shown them where to strike, after they've determinedly taken her apart; it's a funny thing to think her own weaknesses might be used against her, for no other means than to push her into pleasure's embrace, rather than a misstep to be promptly corrected. a blemish wiped from mind. here, she can merely ... be. be at a disadvantage. bare herself, without threat of excoriation. that, more than anything, seizes her chest with fondness — to know, without doubt, she's found one place she is encouraged to lay down her arms and rest at ease.
a strange sense of peace streams through her, despite the rigidity that seizes her frame, the rippling trembling in her thighs, all warnings of a seismic event. it's only inevitable that he should be able to finesse what he wants from her; it's only inevitable that starving her body of affection for such long stretches of time would make her susceptible to the thrall of his tongue. her tongue flicks out to wet the pillowy swell of her lower lip, a spell to summon words that would otherwise evade her: ]
Could you — [ she falters around a choking, plaintive moan. (when was the last time she supplicated herself in earnest, for anyone but a looming and spiteful goddess? when was the last time she was certain her request would be heard and embraced, rather than denied — forbidden to keep her memories, forbidden to dream, forbidden her lady's favor? the answer to both, she suspects, is never.) ] Inside.
[ a slow dragging of their interconnected hands leads him over the plane of her stomach, toward the intersection of thigh and hip, to clarify her request — if the fluttering, clenching pulse between her legs hasn't, a lingering emptiness that ache to be filled — the last thing she needs to be pushed over the edge.
then, with the desperate, entreating edge of one that has experienced denial and deprivation one too many times: ] Please.
[ not a word she's been known to throw around lightly. it strains, raw and foreign, in her throat, as she squeezes his fingers for emphasis. ]
[ There are clear tells, for creatures like them, as to what constitutes true trust and affection, each entwined with the marks of what they've endured to get to this point, what makes the act of opening up so significant to begin with. For her, the willingness to be so vulnerable, to let go of control; for him, the willingness to be supplicant, to be unselfish. Two hundred years of servitude had taught him to close off his heart, to think of no one's survival or pleasure but his own. But for her, oh, for herβ
Were this not the kind of catharsis that it is, he might take pleasure in drawing this out, in teasing her, in refusal. Perhaps he would still, if they had all the time in the world, but they don't, not with the threat of the end of the world hanging over their heads, and besides, he has never known her to ask for anything, let alone plead, carelessly. And there is nothing, he thinks, that she could ask of him that he would deny her.
His tongue leaves her for only a moment, just long enough to bring his other hand to his lips, to take one of his fingers into his mouth to wet it. In the single beat before his tongue finds her again, before his finger presses into the heat between her legs (slow, careful not to cause her any discomfort): ]
My loveβ
[ The words escape from him on a sigh. Gods know he's spoken it time and time again before, but never like this, never without an exact calculation as to far how it would get him. Here, that's no longer relevant; they're not words given in expectation of an exchange. It's simply a truth, given because he wants to give it, because he wants her to know β because he's half out of his mind with desire, how tight she is around the arch of his finger.
For them, such things amount to a killing blow, strength and pretense set aside for the sake of honesty. He'd thought, once, that the tadpole and all of the calamity it brought with him were hardly his concern β others, more inclined to heroism, would take care of such things. But his need for her sparks a different want within him: the desire to see things through for the sake of their shared future, for the sake of not losing this, and how precious she's become to him. ]
[ a sigh of approval, at surface level; a deeper vow, buried within, with all of the heft of a binding oath. it doesn't subscribe itsef to the same possession that lives within i belong to you, or words like mine and yours and ours, better used for objects and valuables. they know better than to stake those claims upon one another as though seizing territory, have too freshly begun to unclasp their chains to long for another fetter so soon. instead, it's a weighted choice by her hand, a single word that agrees i belong with you, the way birds flock to their own and wolves demand a pack. or, perhaps, more dramatically: the way night can't exist without day, moonlight without sunlight, lungs without air.
what a thing it is to be loved, to have a home of her own making — to decide where it is she belongs, rather than be told her place in this world. her chest burns with it, with the wrenching force of the sounds pulled from her throat, uncertain if it's the bespelled nature of his words or her overwrought senses that pushes her so quickly over the edge. (he'd been right, as it turns out, to think a word as sentimental as love could sway even the most resilient hearts.) she's still pulsing around his finger in tight, frantic waves when she tugs upon his hand, a silent come here —
— that she takes into her own hands, regardless of how quickly (or otherwise) he adheres to her demand. her legs cinch around his shoulders to flip him underneath her with relatively smooth ease, a rare show of strength without violence to drive it. (a new use of it, for her.) a pronounced pause follows, splintered only by her half-flustered little smile as it beams down at him, before she begins her descent — a panther-esque crawl that sees her land in his lap, unabashed by the damp stain her arousal marks into the front of his trousers.
what she wants to ask is is this okay, is this good? — a search for reassurance that's lost, in the hungry press of her mouth, something half-starved in the nature of her kiss. but that's the thing, about having a first taste of something forbidden; it's only awoken her greed, drawn attention to that famished ache in the pit of her chest that wants — that wants, that permits it of herself. when she pulls away, it's only by centimeters, each syllable breathed into him, ]
Again. [ a mere, intoxicated whisper of a word. old, battleworn callouses catch on his skin as she frames his face with the cup of her palms. ] Tell me again.
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that, in itself, is a wonder: astarion with none of his usual dastardly swagger, like some confident lothario plucked from the sordid pages of a romance novel. it's another pretense dropped, though it forces her to call into question how much of himself has been tailored to suit an ideal, a wet dream of someone else's creation. it's the spark that ignites her forward to reclaim his mouth with renewed vigor, until there's no mistaking that honest hunger. until her mouth is freely greedy where it scatters to his chin, his ear, a light trace of teeth and tongue marking her path. ]
That's an easy enough answer to give, [ comes her rasp, buried in his jaw's underside. ] You.
[ nothing more, and nothing less, than what he'll give of himself. it is not, she suspects, the clarification he had been seeking — but it's the most genuine treasure she could offer, the most valuable demonstration of what she wants. when she melts back into the grass, it's with labored rise and fall of her chest and a kiss-swollen flush to her lips. hardly a vision of self-discipline, never mind composure.
and perhaps that's — okay. to undo some shred of restraint, for this once. it makes it easier to smile up at him through her breathlessness, through the stormy darkening of her gaze; makes it easier to search herself. show, not tell, he'd asked, but — ]
I want to feel good, with you. [ quieter, ] I want you to touch me as though there's nothing you could crave more.
[ it's what anyone would want, she thinks, that intoxicating proof of being unmistakeably wanted. she gathers up his hand, presses the pad of each finger to her lips with careful consideration. less sweet is the kittenish flick of her tongue as she draws his index finger past the pout of her mouth, just barely so; it makes her body burn, a little ember settling low in her stomach, to hook her gaze onto his — to watch him watch her in return. it's undoubtedly turning the tables, in her own need to hear it, and yet, ]
But I'm not the only one with wants. [ lowly encouraging, she presses, ] What happens in your dreams, when you think of me?
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For just a fraction of a second, as she settles back against the grass, there's an almost dangerously unguarded look on his face β his eyes wide, searching, unmoored. That expression changes in the next second, colored by endearment and desire as he looks at her, takes in the way want unspools the careful self-control that seems to come so naturally to her otherwise. He likes that β it only makes him want to tug on that thread, to see her come totally undone. A part of the give and take, he supposes, that they should drop all of the pretenses they'd held up to each other, the act of pretending they're something else (something stronger, less vulnerable) easier to drop given all they've discovered about themselves since first falling from that nautiloid.
What he'd imagined, when they'd still been in their respective tents, hadn't even come close to how perfect she looks to him now. His lips curl in a smile as her tongue finds the pad of his finger, his gaze flickering, darkening. ]
When I dream of you, [ he begins, his voice just a murmur as he leans down to press a kiss to her forehead, ] my dreams begin with your hand in mine. [ A kiss upon her cheek. ] With you, already in my arms. [ Then upon the other.
There's that ache, again. There are things he could say β has said β that he thinks would better fit the bill of what such a question generally begs as an answer, butβ ]
There's nothing that can touch me, but you. Nothing that I want to touch me, but you.
[ His other knee nudges hers apart β an invitation offered and accepted, his hips settling against the rise of hers. ]
In fact, I'd say my dreams play outβ quite like this. But what I can dream upβ [ his hand travels down her side, tracing the dip of her waist ] βcan hardly compare to the real you.
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it's more affecting than it has any right to be. more deeply moving than the rough treatment her brethren have been known for, the cursory manhandling she would come to expect. her eyelids flutter with it, anticipation thick on her tongue, eyelashes skirting her cheek like a butterfly's kiss. (it almost makes it worse, to let her vision close for a moment; to have no distraction from the tenderness in his touch, the reactiveness of her own nerve-endings. scarcely touched, and yet well on her way to being overwrought.) ]
Quite the salacious dreams you've had. [ teasing warmth saturates it, makes no secret of her fondness. more hearfelt, ] You make them sound beautiful.
[ he makes her sound beautiful. no one within the realm of sanity would have thought his head to be filled with soft, fanciful notions, but if one pays attention, she can see hints of whimsy in his love affair with the sun, a tender sentimentality buried under layers. it's a secret she doesn't mind selfishly keeping — this little part of him reserved for her. (preserved even in death, she wonders, or a need cazador hadn't realized he'd created through starving his spawn of human gentleness? protectiveness roils and surges inside her, at the thought.)
her hands slide down toward his hands, along the trunk of his forearms, fingertips tracing branching veins. up further, pushing back his sleeves. a slow and gradual disrobing, in her craving for his skin against hers, wherever she can have it. ]
I'm not convinced I didn't dream this moment into being. [ a whisper, something half-burned out of her. the culprit: the notch of his hips against hers, the spellbound shift of her own in reply — sinuous, trance-like, a serpent called by a song. she holds more tightly to his bicep, grounding herself through the audible hitch in her breath, the noise that lodges itself in her throat. what breaks free, inevitably, is a seeking, wispy, ] Astarion.
[ she doesn't have much need for prayers, these days. his name sighs out of her lungs as an invocation, all the same, like an appeal one finds themselves making in the midst of a desperate night. ]
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What makes him willing to share even of a sliver of it with her is the fact that he knows his Casanova act hadn't appealed to her (if anything, it had actually made her openly antagonistic when they'd first met). What she wants from him isn't a fantasy. (What she sees in him is greater, deeper, more significant than what any sketched-out portrait could capture. And he finds that he wants her to see him.)
He wonders if it surprises her, that the dreams he'd choose to describe to her are so chaste. But it's the truth β boiled down to his very essence, what he longs for is tenderness, for care. For so many years, he'd been starved of it, resigned to the fact that he'd never be anything but alone for the rest of his immortal days. He'd still mostly believed it, even after the tadpole (who in their right mind would want to associate with a vampire, after all), but then sheβ ]
A shared dream, perhaps? [ he wonders aloud, fingertips traveling over the stitching of the leather she wears. ] But, no β a dream could hardly be so sweet.
[ Even in dreams, he wouldn't be so assured as to imagine that she would choose to bestow any kindness upon him, especially not with how hard-won it's been. It's kindness, he thinks, that ought only to be spared for herself, for someone more deserving of it. But here, in their waking hours, it's hardly as though that's enough for him to refuse or rebuff her, not when he's so hungry forβ well, for her. For the way she speaks his name, for the warmth of her touch, for the way she wants him.
It's easy to feel a little drunk on that, even without a drop of her blood passing his lips β as though seeking, his mouth passes over her pulse once more, but only as a stop along the way as his lips find her clavicle, the rise of her chest, following the line of skin left bare by her clothing. It's the boldest he's been, apart from their remote dalliance β itself a sign of comfort, of trust. ]
stares into the sky ... i forgot to hit post comment on this for like three days
she hasn't given much thought to all he must yearn for, by the curse of his very nature — not, at least, in any grave detail. but she thinks she understands it, now. how easy it is to miss the simplistic, easy things that make them all so very ... human. reaching out for a hand, and finding it reaching back. sunlight, after confinement in the shadows. the distant call of birds overheard. there's a dreamlike quality to it all, to be certain, enchanting — but he isn't wrong to say it. none of her dreams have lended themselves to sweetness, and those that had ...
those that had were wiped away to make room for a clean slate, in her mind, as though working with new materials might cause her to be rebuilt better. it makes her eager to seize what's available to her in reality, for one. for another, it makes her — mortifyingly sensitive to the generosity, much to her pride's chagrin. desensitization to a rougher touch, and starvation for a softer one, combine for one unfortunate bout of squirming. so much, she thinks, for claims of self-taught discipline when her entire spine seems to snap taut like a bow; when her lungs are expelling a ticklish sound, quick to devolve into a stuttered gasp.
every imprint of his mouth is a searing thing, for all that it starts cold, gradually becomes warmer as her flushed skin transfers heat. a little trail of red follows his path, as if her body itself has taken to remembering it, blushed with arousal. her legs snap around his hips, coiling, as easily as her hands tightly snag in his hair, in some desperate reflex to keep him near. (slowly, she tries to loosen them, to repay his tenderness; her fingers stroke through the curls afterward, in apology.) ]
Be mindful, [ she starts, a murmur syrupy and thick with want. ] if you're going to use teeth.
[ a fond joke, of course. no — only a half-joke, she thinks. there's something to be said for how easily he could tear into her heart from this vulnerable position, a danger that only serves to highlight how painstakingly caring he's being with her, something to be said for being doted upon by a creature capable of great violence if he chose it. just as there's something to be said for how comfortable she is, to issue the invitation to begin with. ]
lmao we've all been there
The significance of tenderness runs both ways, after all β just as easily as he could tear her throat out if he so wished, so too could she turn him into ash with a single incantation. (It's a little ironic, he thinks, that she's arguably the one in their camp who would have the easiest time of dispatching him, emotional attachment aside.) And, with all they know of their respective pasts, the choice not to defer to what they've found easiest throughout the long years is a significant one.
It makes the arch of her spine all the more enticing; as intoxicating as the sound of her breath had been that night, it's even more so now, given more freely, coupled with the feeling of her frame against his, the lovely blush of her skin, the way her fingers curl in his hair β neediness, but more importantly, neediness that's reciprocated. He feels drunk on it β yet another surprise, something he hasn't felt since he was living. There's a hint of that sensation in his gaze as he looks up to meet hers, a smile pulling his lips back over his teeth, a half-joke in the same vein as her own. ]
Woe betide the poor soul who'd dare leave even the faintest scratch upon your skin, [ he murmurs, as one of his hands finds the dip of her waist, the band of her breeches. The other draws a path along the inside of her thigh, a hint as to his intentions as he eases his frame further down her own, all slow enough to ensure he's not rushing things. Even now, he seeks permission, despite the invitation issued, as though each movement required its own affirmation.
She can handle herself perfectly well, he knows, but that isn't the point of such a comment β it's an offer, a contract, an acknowledgment of care expressed in a way that comes easily to him, namely, the threat of violence against anyone who'd hurt her, or even simply inconvenience her. ]
i'll never live the shame down
it's a strange, morbid thing to cherish the scrapes and cuts they've gathered along the way — fresh ownership over the landscape of her skin, and the knowledge she's chosen what to endure, of her own volition. of carrying what has mattered to her. when the inevitable comes — when they all disperse, traveling down forked paths in the road, should they even survive the journey — at least she'll be able to press her fingers to skin and remember.
he'd likely think her inflicted with new madness, were she to insist there's no one else she would rather have marked on her. she settles, instead, for this: an endeared, impish curl to her mouth, as a prelude to her nails leisurely raking along his scalp. a silent reward for the devotion coloring that promise of bloodshed, perhaps, if not encouragement. ]
No need to seduce me with pretty promises, [ she sighs out, a rasp that floats from her like smoky wisps from a bonfire. ] You already have me.
[ some girls prefer the romance of flowers. some girls prefer the darker touch of protective threats casting a shadow of death over their enemies. shadowheart, as it turns out, finds both equally enthralling. (a woman of multitudes, she is.) it likely shouldn't settle low in her stomach like molten gold, on that note, but — but. she understands the creatures they are, understands the significance of devotion given willingly, when they have each had to suffer the ailment of fealty being compelled by another's hand.
it hardly helps that he looks as she feels, utterly — gone. hopelessly addicted. it's more flattering than any compliment he could bestow; more powerful than any ill-gotten illithid gains. emboldened, her fingers reach for the hem of her shirt, only minutely distracted by the muscle he sends twitching in her corded thighs — and wriggles her spine to peel it overhead. a comfortable and confident sort of nudity, now that's grown more certain she hasn't misread him.
as if pulled by a string, her fingers return to his nape, kneading fingertips against the back of his neck. reassurance every step of the way, as her legs splay to accommodate his travels, though not quite so great an affirmation as her quiet albeit steady: ]
It's alright, Astarion. I trust you.
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Even when he'd first been infected by the tadpole, the picture of freedom he'd had in his head hadn't involved anyone else β not for lack of want, but for years upon years of learning to close his heart to the possibility lest it lead to further pain. Now, it isn't as if he's completely changed β the best things that his companions manage to draw out of him have their roots in the kind of wishful thinking he'd allowed himself as a child, a weakness for romance and daring heroes β butβ
βbut it doesn't escape him that the chances of this outcome are so astronomically slim. If they hadn't been infected, if they hadn't run into each other on the beach, if, if, if. He finds himself unwilling, suddenly, to contemplate what will come when the Elder Brain is defeated (if they can manage such a thing), to wonder whether or not the bond they've sketched out between themselves is but a temporary thing.
He's allowed to be greedy, he thinks. What else can he call his? His own choice, his own volition, repaid by the trust she places in him. (A gift to be held close, to be treasured.)
His gaze flickers up as she peels off her shirt, a not-insignificant distraction (and temptation) as he gently pulls down her breeches, easing the fabric over the curve of her hips. All he can offer is a sigh at the sight of her bare skin β the scars that mark it β as he lowers his head, pressing a soft kiss to the tender flesh of her thigh. His hands anchor at her waist as his tongue draws a slow trail to the part of her legs.
It's still thrilling to feel genuine want, to feel a shiver run through his body, to feel every nerve ending respond to even the slightest sensation. That first taste of her draws a low hum from his throat, equal parts pleasure and anticipation. It's strange to feel this way about intimacy again (if he'd ever, he can't quite recall) β eager to learn what makes her tick rather than simply having to do so for the sake of passing a night. ]
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she finds this — this closeness, this new inability to hide parts of herself away — to be the missing element from their last little act of intimacy. clothed tent walls had still kept them shrouded, still kept her safely disconnected, still kept her lonely and yearning for something beyond her reach. she finds it, now, as her fingers scramble across her skin — leaving thin, temporary white lines in her nail's wake — to cling to his.
smoothly, her fingers lock through his with ease, providing an anchoring point amidst stolen breath and surprising sensation. she squeezes once, twice; some delirious, shy smile graces her mouth as her cheek plants into the grass, parting around a mesmerized, reeling (and very eloquent, very succinct), ]
Fuck.
[ karlach's lexicon might have its merits, in hindsight. all other words fail to accurately describe the forcible way she has to shakily pry her legs from mashing his ears against his skull, or the seeking hitches in her hips toward his sinful mouth. it takes effort to fall back on old habits to pin them back to the ground, to try not to squirm so pitifully, to keep still for his sake — a task immediately failed, for all of her talk of self-discipline.
(perhaps, then, that the accomplishment is not overtaking him to see to her own needs; to learn to allow another to take care of her, tempted as she is by her natural urge for control, for self-reliance. some habits still need to be unlearned. the muscles in her abdomen flex, clench, with the effort of holding back.)
she presses the tips of her fingers to her mouth, watching him through heavy eyelids. a thousand words of praise bloom, the pleasure he's gifted her only fueling her need to provide it in turn, only — they're all inadequate. two centuries have likely reassured him already that he's unfairly good at this, and his own preening ego knows he is — as she's noticed, with a pang in her chest — unbearably pretty, the way marble statues are.
all truthful words, yes, but ones that her fumbling for something better. something he isn't so certain in. and so: ]
Perfect, [ she exhales, a pleasure-drunk, wonderstruck whisper. ] You take such good care of me.
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The squeeze of her hand is met with his own, equal parts a response and an anchoring as the lick of his tongue becomes more insistent, seeking her taste, the soft bud of sensitive nerves that sets off each new buck of her hips. When his eyes meet hers again, the look contained within is wanton β hungry, in a way he'd thought himself incapable of β drinking in the blush of her features, the heaviness of her own gaze. His own need feels somehow trivial in comparison; what he wants is to see her come undone, to fully tear apart her sense of self-control for the sake of succumbing to desire, to him.
So, for once, there's no clever retort to the whisper that passes her lips, just a flutter of his lashes in response. It undoes him piece by piece β the way she looks at him, his hunger matched; the timbre of her voice like honey in his ears; and, of course, the simple fact of what she chooses to say. She knows, already, of his weakness for praise β a kind of neediness built out of insecurity, buried deep, and the desire to be wanted, adored β but there's a simple distinction between what he's heard over and over again (what he already knows, what he's used as a weapon) and what's meaningful, what's more about what they choose to do for each other.
It sets afire the ache already present in the pit of his stomach, nervous trills of arousal running through his frame as his own hips square against the grass, a buzzing in his head that's as much to do with what he wants to say: I want you to come, or more to the point, I want you to come for me. And all of that can be expressed just as well through gesture, through action, through his maintained focus on her. You take such good care of me, she says β a sentiment worth proving true, to the last moment.
By contrast, for him, it's near impossible to fall back into old habits. There's no sense of absence for him, here, nothing about this that is perfunctory or put on. In the moment, he only vaguely recognizes that, instead caught up in the thrill of mutual want. That's the thing, isn't it: she makes him feelβ alive. ]
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it's a funny thing, trusting that someone might put her back together after she's shown them where to strike, after they've determinedly taken her apart; it's a funny thing to think her own weaknesses might be used against her, for no other means than to push her into pleasure's embrace, rather than a misstep to be promptly corrected. a blemish wiped from mind. here, she can merely ... be. be at a disadvantage. bare herself, without threat of excoriation. that, more than anything, seizes her chest with fondness — to know, without doubt, she's found one place she is encouraged to lay down her arms and rest at ease.
a strange sense of peace streams through her, despite the rigidity that seizes her frame, the rippling trembling in her thighs, all warnings of a seismic event. it's only inevitable that he should be able to finesse what he wants from her; it's only inevitable that starving her body of affection for such long stretches of time would make her susceptible to the thrall of his tongue. her tongue flicks out to wet the pillowy swell of her lower lip, a spell to summon words that would otherwise evade her: ]
Could you — [ she falters around a choking, plaintive moan. (when was the last time she supplicated herself in earnest, for anyone but a looming and spiteful goddess? when was the last time she was certain her request would be heard and embraced, rather than denied — forbidden to keep her memories, forbidden to dream, forbidden her lady's favor? the answer to both, she suspects, is never.) ] Inside.
[ a slow dragging of their interconnected hands leads him over the plane of her stomach, toward the intersection of thigh and hip, to clarify her request — if the fluttering, clenching pulse between her legs hasn't, a lingering emptiness that ache to be filled — the last thing she needs to be pushed over the edge.
then, with the desperate, entreating edge of one that has experienced denial and deprivation one too many times: ] Please.
[ not a word she's been known to throw around lightly. it strains, raw and foreign, in her throat, as she squeezes his fingers for emphasis. ]
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Were this not the kind of catharsis that it is, he might take pleasure in drawing this out, in teasing her, in refusal. Perhaps he would still, if they had all the time in the world, but they don't, not with the threat of the end of the world hanging over their heads, and besides, he has never known her to ask for anything, let alone plead, carelessly. And there is nothing, he thinks, that she could ask of him that he would deny her.
His tongue leaves her for only a moment, just long enough to bring his other hand to his lips, to take one of his fingers into his mouth to wet it. In the single beat before his tongue finds her again, before his finger presses into the heat between her legs (slow, careful not to cause her any discomfort): ]
My loveβ
[ The words escape from him on a sigh. Gods know he's spoken it time and time again before, but never like this, never without an exact calculation as to far how it would get him. Here, that's no longer relevant; they're not words given in expectation of an exchange. It's simply a truth, given because he wants to give it, because he wants her to know β because he's half out of his mind with desire, how tight she is around the arch of his finger.
For them, such things amount to a killing blow, strength and pretense set aside for the sake of honesty. He'd thought, once, that the tadpole and all of the calamity it brought with him were hardly his concern β others, more inclined to heroism, would take care of such things. But his need for her sparks a different want within him: the desire to see things through for the sake of their shared future, for the sake of not losing this, and how precious she's become to him. ]
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[ a sigh of approval, at surface level; a deeper vow, buried within, with all of the heft of a binding oath. it doesn't subscribe itsef to the same possession that lives within i belong to you, or words like mine and yours and ours, better used for objects and valuables. they know better than to stake those claims upon one another as though seizing territory, have too freshly begun to unclasp their chains to long for another fetter so soon. instead, it's a weighted choice by her hand, a single word that agrees i belong with you, the way birds flock to their own and wolves demand a pack. or, perhaps, more dramatically: the way night can't exist without day, moonlight without sunlight, lungs without air.
what a thing it is to be loved, to have a home of her own making — to decide where it is she belongs, rather than be told her place in this world. her chest burns with it, with the wrenching force of the sounds pulled from her throat, uncertain if it's the bespelled nature of his words or her overwrought senses that pushes her so quickly over the edge. (he'd been right, as it turns out, to think a word as sentimental as love could sway even the most resilient hearts.) she's still pulsing around his finger in tight, frantic waves when she tugs upon his hand, a silent come here —
— that she takes into her own hands, regardless of how quickly (or otherwise) he adheres to her demand. her legs cinch around his shoulders to flip him underneath her with relatively smooth ease, a rare show of strength without violence to drive it. (a new use of it, for her.) a pronounced pause follows, splintered only by her half-flustered little smile as it beams down at him, before she begins her descent — a panther-esque crawl that sees her land in his lap, unabashed by the damp stain her arousal marks into the front of his trousers.
what she wants to ask is is this okay, is this good? — a search for reassurance that's lost, in the hungry press of her mouth, something half-starved in the nature of her kiss. but that's the thing, about having a first taste of something forbidden; it's only awoken her greed, drawn attention to that famished ache in the pit of her chest that wants — that wants, that permits it of herself. when she pulls away, it's only by centimeters, each syllable breathed into him, ]
Again. [ a mere, intoxicated whisper of a word. old, battleworn callouses catch on his skin as she frames his face with the cup of her palms. ] Tell me again.